Story Eight
That time I wrote a book on Twitter.
***This was published in a series of tweets in 2017. It has never been reproduced in a single place before. We, the editors, hope you enjoy this updated reissue.
In the interest of publication deadlines, we have additional classifications included at the end of the volume. We deeply regret that we were unable to index our new entries into the existing text.
We are endlessly grateful to our colleagues who have contributed to this volume. Future volumes will, of course, adapt to new field studies as submitted by professionals and the public.
A Field Guide to North American Racists
This is the most comprehensive field guide available for spotting racists in the wild. Most people can already spot the more showy species: the Racistus Cuckus, for example, actually produces his own signs to display in his mating rituals and has a distinctive style of incoherent screaming. The North American racist is closely related to, but is not quite the same as, its cousins on other continents. For example the Racistus Conservatus in England is typically quite mild-mannered and only shows its racist plumage when asked whether social housing should be allowed on its block. By comparison, the Australian Racistus Boganus is usually quite drunk and therefore a bit disjointed. When traveling elsewhere you should obtain the appropriate field guide, as racism has different effects on different cultures.
We hope you will find this guide to be a helpful resource. We thank our readers for their many submissions and can only apologize that this guide is not as comprehensive as the one we hope to produce after more time in the field. Lack of inclusion in this guide should not be taken as an indication that the person you are dealing with is not a racist. We do recommend that you avoid approaching racists in their natural habitat, as they can find it disturbing and they are prone to lash out when confused or upset in any way. The racist is a fragile animal, though a common one.
The sole exception to this rule is the Racistus Hitlerus, more commonly known as the “Nazi.” Should you run across a Nazi in the wild, you should immediately punch it in the face.
The Racistus Allowus is one of the most populous species of racist in the world, though it is the hardest to spot. This is because of its chameleon-like ability to fit in anywhere. It rarely shows signs of aggression towards other races; in fact it thinks of itself as not part of the racist family at all. If you confront it with its own racism, it will show signs of recrimination and horror. The Allowus tends to collect minority friends as a sort of talisman against accidental self-identification.
The Allowus is the most insidious and dangerous breed of Racistus, as it is perfectly capable of watching someone be hurt without actually seeing anything occur. This becomes a problem when the Allowus is called upon to give eyewitness testimony in a work, school or court setting. Its judgement cannot be depended upon.
Other traits of the Allowus include: knowing all the words to 99 Problems except for that part about Jay getting pulled over, a propensity to wonder aloud why people are just so angry all the time, and a firm belief that the wearing of a badge confers a higher moral reasoning ability.
Habitat - There is no single habitat that particularly encourages Allowus. They can be found everywhere, in every social and income strata and every type of terrain.
Sounds - An Allowus might wonder aloud why people don’t just obey police officers when watching news coverage of police tear-gassing neighborhoods to quell protests that began when police broke up a vigil for someone in the neighborhood police had killed a few days previously. Or it might say that it’s awful to see racial disparities in household wealth, then continue to argue in support of the policies that keep that gap from closing.
Appearance - there is no way to visually spot an Allowus.
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6. Unique traits - An Allowus is defined by its ignorance. It thinks of itself as a fair person and might even be, but it is fundamentally unaware of history and facts enough to understand how it is excusing racism in whatever form it manifests.
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8. Easiest way to confirm - Invite a possible Allowus to an event at which uncomfortable racial truths will be discussed. An Allowus will know, before checking their schedule, that they will be busy at that time.
9. Relatives - Allowus is the parent species of the Racistus family. All other species are variations on this one
10. How to respond if encountering in the wild:
The Racistus Argumentus is relatively easy to identify by its noises; it is a contrarian breed that starts any sentence about race with “I’m not defending racism” before going on to defend racism. It likes to bring up immigration and cherry-picked stories about terrorism (though it has never in its life heard of such a thing as a white terrorist.) It is likely to believe that all the Mexicans it knows are good people and also that Mexicans generally are untrustworthy. The Argumentus is unaware it is a racist; it thinks of itself as a hero, ensuring that no conversation fails to include all of the points it thinks are valid.
The Argumentus can usually be found on social media, as it is a cowardly species and prefers to engage with normal humans without looking anybody in the eye. Its behaviors can range from jumping into a discussion with strangers to point out that their discussion of police brutality doesn’t take into account the fact that police have dangerous jobs, or into a chat about the minimum wage with a non sequitur about how many immigrants seem to work in their local McDonald’s. The Argumentus has an aversion to Google and therefore typically makes spurious assertions.
Other traits of the Argumentus include: belief that a conversation from Reddit is on the same intellectual plane as a conversation between experts, a supremely overinflated sense of self-confidence, and an inability to read when its presence is unwelcome or inappropriate.
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The Racistus Appropriatus makes its presence known with its entirely unnecessary use of cultural icons which it knows nothing about. It is averse to history and is incapable of displaying politeness. Its favorite parties are themed around racial minorities (see: Pimps And Hoes or Cowboys And Indians or just plain Fiesta.) Its favorite sports teams are Redmen or Indians or Blackhawks, though it has still never heard of DAPL. Appropriatus is unaware it is a racist, and if you attempt to explain this fact to it, it will answer back that it is merely appreciating the culture.
It frequently feels that people are being mean to it, and is likely to burst into tears should anyone point out that, for example, only a racist would dress up as a sexually exploited minor child for Halloween because it has SEEN the Disney version of Pocahontas and that was a love story. The Appropriatus is a close relative of the Associatus, the difference being that Associatus has one black friend whereas Appropriatus is only capable of building a true friendship bond with white people.
Other traits of Appropriatus include: referencing itself as “a basic bitch” or “ratchet,” stating aloud that a bindi “just looks really cool” and box braids.
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The Racistus Associatus only makes friends with people who are not white. The Associatus believes this means it is entitled to say “nigga” because it believes the “-er” ending to the word’s root is what makes it racist. The Associatus is fluent in AAVE or Spanish, and you will be able to identify it because it will be talking about how much it loves trap music and/or hip-hop. Associatus is closely related to the Dolezalus (which is a newly discovered species about which little is known) and though it can frequently perfectly mimic the wardrobe of any rap video there will always be something just a little bit off about its display.
Associatus believes it cannot be a racist because it performatively hates white people to cover for its own whiteness. It is incapable of eating a meal without pointing out how little spice is in white American cuisine, incapable of having sex without pointing out how little ass there is on a white girl, and incapable of seeing a police officer without screaming at them and flipping them off, usually without once thinking about the fact that only white people get to do that. The Associatus abhors complexity. If it is pointed out to an Associatus that it is, indeed, being a racist it will tell you that it exists outside the usual rules of society (for example: “I know a lot of black people and they’re fine with me saying it!”) This species steeps itself in the culture of its chosen minority group, usually dependent on geography. Latinx-identified Associatus are more likely to be found in the Southwest, for example.
Other traits of Associatus: it believes it can dance. It also thinks it can “flow.” It mixes up culture with experience and thus is likely to think of itself as targeted by those in authority. It goes home twice a year for holidays, though it will become aggressive if its family posts any pictures of the event on social media because it is ashamed to tell its friends that it owns smart khakis.
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The Racistus Collaboratus is a very difficult racist to spot because you will find a few of them within any ethnicity. It is an opportunistic and parasitic species. It finds other racists outside its own ethnic group and bands together to turn on a third. It is prone to believe that social resources are zero-sum, and it is easily fooled by breathless news stories about refugees. It may or may not have supported Donald Trump.
Collaboratus frequently knows it is kind of racist, though it will tell you otherwise. It will talk about assimilation or the violence of foreign cultures, though its favorite thing to talk about is how all the jobs are gone. It cannot be identified by any particular political grouping or visual cue, and it can even be found within the anti-racist movement. Collaboratus will work with other racists across species lines and bears a close resemblance to Argumentus.
Collaboratus has even been spotted in the Cabinet of the United States. It is typically educated and often wealthy, though there are many of them to be found in the lowest income stratas as well. It will provide cover for other racists, as the Patriotus and the Hannitus are prone to point to the Collaboratus as justification for their own racism.
Collaboratus has no known identifying traits as it appears in so many habitats and surroundings. More study is needed.
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Newly cross-bred, Racistus Cuckus is a mix of the Hitlerus and Patriotus species. It is a flashy animal, and can be easily identified by its involuntary shrieking. Cuckus needs attention every thirty seconds or it will die. It self-identifies as a cartoon frog and thinks itself the intellectual superior of everyone it meets, though its actual intelligence is usually far below average. It is usually found at home surrounded by its own detritus, though occasionally it will brave the outdoors when it is given reason to. The male Cuckus is irrationally in love with Milo Yiannopolous though it thinks of itself as a heterosexual.
The Cuckus is the least self-aware racist. It self-owns as frequently as it manages to actually offend anyone because its racism has a desperate, attention-seeking tinge to it. Even Hitlerus has been known to run Cuckus off of its territory out of sheer annoyance. It is hard to take Cuckus seriously. Should you spot one in the wild, stay out of its path. If it spots you, it will start screaming GOP campaign slogans out of sheer reflex and once it gets going it’s nearly impossible to stop it.
Cuckus is typically male; we have not yet observed its mating rituals. It is possible that Cuckus reproduces asexually. It goes out of its way to make sure that no females are welcome so that it can then complain about how there are no females around. It is insecure and prone to fits of anger when it is confused or confronted with facts.
Other traits of Cuckus include: using Breitbart as a primary source, public masturbation, and improper capitalization.
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The Racistus Curiosus can usually be found visiting a city for the first time in their lives. They can be identified by their unintentional rudeness. Curiosus is typically female, which is likely why it is so interested in the texture of women’s hair. It is entirely unaware that it is a racist, having never encountered a nonwhite human in a social situation before.
It is prone to making ill-advised attempts to communicate like “your skin is so lovely, I’ve never seen anything like it” or “where are you from” or “I didn’t expect your children to be so well-behaved!” Curiosus means no harm, but if you encourage its attentions it is likely to feel free to ask ever-more-impertinent questions. To escape a Curiosus, give it a copy of a Ta-nehisi Coates book; it will become confused and you will be able to politely walk away. It is one of the more salvageable species of racist because many of them are not at all malicious, they are simply provincial and can be educated. However, it is best if this education is given by a white person generally speaking.
Curiosus is generally from the Midwest, the Mountain West, and the far northern seaboards. Its common traits include mom jeans, a fond wish that the world was nicer, and a mean talent for making funeral casseroles.
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You will never spot a Racistus Desolatus. It knows it is a racist and also understands that it should not appear to be a racist. It hides in public. It will say nothing in the workplace when a new diversity policy is announced, but when it is at home alone in front of a television watching the news it will shriek epithets at the screen. The Desolatus frequents the comments sections of local news sites.
Due to the fact that one has never shown itself to anyone else, we have no further information on this species.
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Potentially the most dangerous of all the racists, the Racistus Disguisus is among the most self-aware of the lot. If you are not white you will never know you are looking at one, because it will say nothing untoward in mixed-race company. White people will know this species intimately, because it will say something incredibly racist the second it finds itself out of earshot of any minorities, expecting that all white people are in fact Disguisus themselves.
It is prone to believe that there is a race war coming, and that this is both inevitable and desirable. It is disdainful of the Cuckus as too immature, but it secretly admires them for being brave enough to say it in public. It is the most white-supremacist species, and if it meets a white person who is dating across races it will begin a lecture on why the races shouldn’t mix. It is a hateful creature and is the bane of regular white people everywhere, who typically wind up barely restraining themselves from starting a brawl when they are forced to share space with one for too long.
Common traits of the Disguisus are cowardice, braggadocio, gun ownership, an irrational love of the Confederate flag (though it rarely actually displays one) and racist tattoos in places that most people will never see. The Disguisus thinks Donald Trump has some good ideas and loves Ben Carson, who it considers to be “one of the good ones.”
It is incumbent upon white people, when encountering a Disguisus, to ensure that it knows it is losing social capital with every word that comes out of its mouth, and it is an iron law that no white person have sex with it so as to eventually eradicate the species, as the Disguisus will recreate itself in the next generation.
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One of the more urbane species, the Racistus Disruptus is only found in Silicon Valley. It is likely a liberal or progressive and if it has any money it probably maxed out to Obama twice. It is unaware of its racism and is so convinced of its own value and merit that it is impossible it will ever become self-aware. The Disruptus is a masochist, and it believes that the fact that it has no life outside of work is proof that America is in fact a meritocracy. Ergo, it believes, people who do not succeed are simply not good humans; there must be something lacking in them. The Disruptus is perfectly capable of discussing advanced concepts like intersectionality or microaggressions without ever actually absorbing their own words.
The Disruptus focuses its life’s work on making the world slightly more awesome for wealthy people. It is one of the few species that can do double-duty, as it is frequently also a Stereotypus. It plans to become a billionaire by the age of thirty and then start a foundation in Africa, probably something to do with kids or medicine or whatever. It likely went to Harvard, though if it attended Georgetown it dropped out its sophomore year to try to find VC.
Common traits of the Disruptus are an aversion to public transit, euphemisms that are obvious to everyone but itself, hoodies, and a belief that the world begins and ends on the Pacific corridor. Each one has additionally taken at least one trip to where there are poor brown people, taken a selfie with starving children, and posted that picture on Tinder. It will never understand that using starving brown kids to get laid is really fucking racist.
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It is difficult for people outside academia to correctly identify a Racistus Educatus, because it hides its racism in dissertations and a surplus of tables and charts. Using unnecessarily polysyllabic words, it sets out to prove racist theses, such as “different races have different IQ levels” or “black men don’t parent their children and that’s why it’s a good idea to cut the effective capital gains tax rate” in defiance of logic or fact. The Educatus can usually be found in graduate programs or in dinner clubs near pretentious universities.
The Educatus shuns the company of people who are not also academics, so data is hard to gather. They do not think of themselves as racists, as each thinks itself far too evidence-based for anything like bias. Their insufferable nature ensures that they do not come into contact with anyone who is not equally insufferable, compounding the problem. Educatus tend to cluster and tell each other how smart they are.
Lower-ranking Educatus have more direct contact with students, which is why they are dangerous. They will become enraged at the suggestion that they are anything but scrupulously fair, but their class discussions are typically allowed to turn into some white dude talking about how oppressed he is in this African-American Studies class, and the Educatus will encourage this in the name of diversity.
It is hard to say which version of this species is more damaging; the ones who write books tend to give ammunition to the Politicus and the Wonkus as well as the broader public, but the younger more classroom-focused version has a more direct impact. Common traits include self-obsession and an utter lack of ability to withstand critique.
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You will know the Racistus Euphemisticus because while it will never use a racial epithet aloud even to itself when nobody can hear, when it says “them” or “those people” or “Muslims” or really any other phrasing, everyone knows that it is actually thinking the epithet. The Euphemisticus is the racist equivalent of saying “flip” instead of “fuck.”
It is such a common species that it cannot be grouped or classified. We have no further identifying information for you, but we urge you to shun it should you encounter one.
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The Racistus Explanatus is one of the species that is always white. It unironically starts sentences in any conversation about race with “actually…” no matter who it’s speaking to. It also unironically says “you know, not ALL white people.” Its racism is fueled by a supremely unwarranted belief that it understands the dynamics of race in America and an equally unwarranted belief that people like it. It is in fact one of the most hated racists, even more than Argumentus.
It it very easy to spot Explanatus in the wild. It likes to wear rubber wristbands that say “blank lives matter” where “blank” is any word in the world besides “black.” You will find bands that say “all lives matter” or “white lives matter” or “giraffe lives matter.” Explanatus thinks it is funny to make inappropriate puns and will be very confused if you tell it that it is not witty.
The most common traits of Explanatus are a lack of education/understanding, a smack-in-the-middle-of-the-curve IQ, and a peculiar blank look if anyone explains the concept of moral equivalence to it.
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The Racistus Fetishus hides in plain sight. It has a mixed social circle, but it goes out of its way to date people of color. It is parasitic and tends to choose Black, Latinx or Asian people to date. It’s hard to tell a Fetishus from a normal person who dates other normal people and isn’t terribly fussed about skin color, because a Fetishus will never say or do anything racist. Until, that is, there is a breakup.
The Fetishus is one of the few morphing racists. When it suffers a breakup with a person of any color, it becomes a Monstrous and will say the worst, most unforgivable things.
The only way to tell a Fetishus from a normal white person is that in the very early stages of dating, if you ask it whether anything about the situation makes it uncomfortable it will say no. By comparison, a normal white person who understands race in America will tell you that it is hard to watch a partner of color have to deal with American society.
If you find a Fetishus, simply annoy it, or challenge its authority until it decides it doesn’t need any more of your shit and it will huff off.
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It is incredibly rare to spot a male Racistus Fragilus. More study is needed to determine why, but most experts think it has something to do with American masculinity, because you can tell a Fragilus by its tears. A Fragilus will do something like cut three bitches on its way a national media platform, talking about how media ain’t softball and telling everyone to get over it, after which it will say something racist. When people say that the racist thing was racist, a Fragilus will immediately dissolve into tears and ask why everybody is being so mean to it.
Fragilus seems to mostly come from the middle and upper classes, and scientists are still trying to figure out whether they occur naturally or whether they are actually created by Educatus.
A Fragilus will always have blonde hair, whether chemically induced or naturally occurring. You will be able to identify it because it will spend most of its time being actually really mean to everyone while also insisting it’s the nicest person in the room. It will only date bankers and lawyers.
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The Racistus Hannitus is one of the archetypal species. It is somewhere between the ages of 60 and dead and it used to be a rational human being that everyone loved, but now it sings Lee Greenwood in the shower and asks all its younger relatives why it is that Obama let all the refugees in. It cannot say the word “Obama” without derision. This can seem off-putting until you realize that they have only ever heard the evening lineup of FOX News say “Obama” and so it’s possible they’re merely mispronouncing it.
The Hannitus was probably always a little bit racist but in its elder years it becomes conservative. It also thinks “conservative” is synonymous with “asshole.” It will buy anything you sell it, though it particularly likes cheap plastic shit from China and dubious financial services. It tends to gather with other people who look exactly like it down to the hat, and it is nearly impossible to tell a male Hannitus and a female Hannitus apart at a distance because they will both be wearing the exact same American flag shirt. Somewhere on the back, it will say “these colors don’t run” or something equally jingoist.
The Hannitus was never in the military but it voted for Trump because it believed he would “support our troops.” Depending on its exact age, the Hannitus got three deferments in Vietnam. (Note: there is a subtype of Hannitus that very much did go to Vietnam and now supports Trump because they have been misanthropic ever since. You will know them because they will be wearing vests with every patch they are entitled to wear and if that wasn’t enough it will be wearing a VETERAN cap and a VETERAN shirt and a jacket with VETERAN patches and it will drive either a truck or a motorcycle that is covered in VETERAN decals. The veteran Hannitus will not have minded the integration of the services but has nothing but loathing for anyone who served in the military after it. Veterans of any of the myriad conflicts since that time loathe this species.)
To avoid the Hannitus, tell it that you heard that Bill O’Reilly is having a rally in a park a couple hours away. It will rush away from you.
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You’ll be able to spot the Racistus Gentrificus because it will show up in your neighborhood. Once it has lived there for about six months, it will begin complaining that too many people that aren’t from this neighborhood even! are moving in. It will also complain that this neighborhood lacks amenities, because the bodega on the corner serves espresso drinks but not TURKISH coffee which, I mean, why even bother at that point?
Gentrificus is typically a creative type, though not a successful one, which is why it looks for low rent. It will openly bemoan the impact of gentrification on the places it lives and in the same breath justify its own presence by complaining about the System that is keeping it from its dreams by making it have a day job that sucks, though also it has an MFA and can’t draw. It will organize a public campaign to get a local Starbucks so that it doesn’t have to commute so far for work.
The Gentrificus does not like new things, though it likes to think it’s the kind of person who does. It will complain about the extant cafes and stores in the area because what it really wants is to live in Park Slope, just with very low rent. And rent control. And nobody else should move there after.
You cannot avoid Gentrificus. It will follow you no matter where you go. It’s best to give it a tight-lipped smile when you pass it on the street because really it’s actually kind of an okay person, and because you can train it to catch racists that happen into your neighborhood by accident. In any situation involving a racist it is safest to sent a white person to deal with it, so Gentrificus is actually one of the few species that it can be handy to have around.
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It is very easy to confuse the Racistus Goalpostus with its near-sibling, the Argumentus. The key difference is that Argumentus believes it is merely playing Devil’s Advocate, while Goalpostus is actively trying to exonerate police for brutality, or excuse a guy beating up a child. You will know Goalpostus when you hear its signature call, “but what about black on black crime.” Sometimes if it is a particularly inventive specimen it will say “but what about the murder rate in Chicago.”
Goalpostus is a self-proclaimed expert in spotting the Racistus Reversus, which is a mythical creature. You can’t spot a Goalpostus by clothing or even skin color, as it comes in many different varieties. The best way to identify one is to refer to a recent news story about a shooting in Florida and see whether you hear the words “stand your ground” or “they shouldn’t have been there to begin with.”
Do not attempt a conversation with a Goalpostus. You will be harmed by it and they will learn nothing. A Goalpostus is notable for its utter lack of intellectual curiosity and its overwhelming belief that nothing unfair ever happens to anyone excepting itself.
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Probably the best-known of all the racists, the Hitlerus is easily identified by their iconography, which they have ahistorically borrowed from Germany. The Hitlerus does not speak German in most cases, nor can it actually explain the tenets of the philosophy it thinks it espouses. It read Mein Kampf once and then watched American History X and thought Edward Norton was actually rather dashing.
It can be difficult to tell the difference between a Hitlerus and a Cuckus because they are both rather unintelligent and desperate for attention, and because the Cuckus will often borrow the language and icons of its parent. If you say anything vaguely racist and call it a Goebbels quote, a Hitlerus will immediately have it tattooed on its chest. It likes to gather in groups in parks and yell incoherently about white genocide.
A Hitlerus will typically have an affected rigid military demeanor and truly believes that Steve Bannon is a more impressive specimen of humanity than Idris Elba. It comes in two forms: the Establishment and the Isolationist. The former is likely to try to ingratiate itself with the public, believing that people will follow it. The latter is aware that it is not ever going to be accepted in society and takes over rural towns trying to create a utopia.
Hitlerus is far more annoying than it is effective, though it fancies itself to be superior in every way to most people. It enjoys playing dress-up and chanting slogans. It is afraid of anti-fascist punks, so should you find a nest of Hitlerus please alert the closest person wearing a Black Flag patch and steel-toed boots.
It is best that people of color avoid the Hitlerus entirely unless punching it in the face, which it is of course the Constitutional duty of every American to do. We recommend you wash your hands immediately should you ever need to come into contact with one.
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2. Habitat - Hitlerus typically comes from very rural areas or suburbs. If it is near mountains or hills, it will gather with other of its kind once a month about thirty miles outside of town. If it is from the suburbs, there is an abandoned warehouse somewhere that is a suitable ground to settle in.
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histo
The Racistus Insecuritus is a nascent, changeable species. It is secretly afraid that people of other races are having more fun, or better sex, or perhaps have bigger genitalia. It is this fear that drives its racism.
Insecuritus manifests its fears in complaints about immigrants taking all the good jobs, utility companies having a “dial two for Spanish” option, and voting guides in multiple languages. It thinks anyone who lives in America should assimilate, because it lacks a sense of irony and also was taught the funhouse-mirror version of American civics.
There is nothing you can do about an Insecuritus except to pity it, because it must actually be awful to live a life where you’re constantly afraid that other people will notice your very obvious lack of value. It can be dangerous, though, because it will eventually develop into another kind of racist.
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There is some debate about whether the Racistus Justificatus is actually its own species or whether it is more properly classified as an Allowus. We have included it here because an Allowus passively ignores racism while a Justificatus will actively lie to itself in order to avoid reality.
Justificatus has only ever seen nice police officers, so when confronted with evidence of a bad one it will suffer from an excess of cognitive dissonance. Instead of reasoning that there are millions of police officers in the country and it is likely that every kind of personality will be represented in that group, it will simply repeat its own favorite anecdotal evidence to itself until the feeling of internal conflict goes away.
You can find Justificatus in most any white neighborhood or town, and while they do maintain friendships with people of color in the workplace or PTA they tend to be surface-level, to avoid things like political discussion or unpleasant facts.
A Justificatus has no interest in becoming more aware of reality, and will become irrationally enraged should a political protest inconvenience them at all.
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One of the most powerful species due to the sheer reach of their racism, the Racistus Journalisticus can be found mostly in New York or LA. It does not think of itself as a racist, but it is incapable of writing a story about America from any point of view but that of a white person. When a Journalisticus attempts to write about race, it will find the most stereotypically poor person of color within a 50 mile radius to speak to. Journalisticus does not understand that its stereotypes are harmful. It thinks it is adding to the discourse.
Journalisticus is in love with any person of color who works at the Atlantic, but it is also prone to write lengthy op-eds about how much it hurts them to see the country grappling with racism. For an example, a female Journalisticus might write about how hard it was emotionally, watching a video where a black woman who’s just seen her boyfriend shot maintained rigid control over herself, but the article will talk entirely about feminism and never mention race at all, excepting for an opening paragraph that essentially says “racism is bad.”
A male Journalisticus is prone to writing articles about how awful low-income urban outcomes are and how high the crime rate is and whether or not it is true that incarceration disparities are the fault of racism when the trouble might be education funding.
The Journalisticus has a symbiotic relationship with Educatus, Politicus, and Wonkus and will do just about anything to get their approval. One is advised that if one runs into any kind of journalist, one should look up their previous work to determine whether they are in fact merely a writer grappling with the complexities of the modern world or whether it is a bona fide racist.
Never give an interview to a Journalisticus. If it insists (they can be very pushy) simply quote your favorite movies as a response to all its questions.
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The Racistus Liberalus is easily identified because it never leaves the house wearing anything but an I’m With Her shirt. It is horrified by injustice and also serves on the boards of four charities, at least one of which will involve urban renewal. Each board will have precisely one person of color on it.
The Liberalus is easy to find because the female will be wearing a pussy hat to fight sexism and the male will be drinking from a mug that says This Is What A Feminist Looks Like. It will lecture you on how disengaged from the process you are though it has never been to a protest that involved tear gas, as it prefers its protests to be cheerful. The Liberalus will lecture people at length about how awful it is that we treat Native people so poorly but it cannot name a campsite from DAPL. (The rare Liberalus will have actually gone to that protest, but will have shown up with three boxes of granola bars, no firewood, and a summer-rated cub tent.) Liberalus is 1/16 Cherokee, and in fact could have done the paperwork to become official only they can’t seem to find the right documentation.
Liberalus is typically a kind, optimistic sort, so when confronted with anger or rage its first instinct is to impose calm. It does not approve of political action that might inconvenience or annoy anyone, thinking it counterproductive. It has attended three protests in DC and even signed up for a mass arrest action once, and having been booked and released thinks itself to be very worldly and aware.
You must not under any circumstances attempt to explain to Liberalus that the world does not work like it thinks it does. It will be very disturbed and will eventually start to yell at you about how you don’t understand what it is to be a grownup and have to make grownup choices, because we can’t all just hit the streets every day and besides, they maxed out to Jon Ossoff.
Common traits include: an encyclopedic knowledge of the first half of any MLK quote, a preference for protests that are mostly made up of white people, and a whole dump truck’s worth of vague guilt.
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The Racistus Minimus does not think of itself as on the scale of, say, a Cuckus. The Minimus is fond of being just a little bit racist most of the time instead of saving it all up for one big display.
Minimus will express pleased surprise when a Mexican woman has a PhD, or will assume a black man has at some point been to prison, or ask a Japanese friend for help with math. It will say things like “you know, I wasn’t a fan of the WNBA but damn, some of those girls can PLAY!”
Common traits of the Minimus include trying for complicated handshakes with any person of color in order to “bond,” always promoting white guys, and a belief that The Wire was a documentary series.
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If we can blame any one species for the election of Donald Trump (though that is a fool’s errand) it is probably the Racistus Narcissus. The Narcissus is inexorably attracted to anything that looks or sounds like itself, and you can see it quoted frequently lately talking about how Trump talks like One Of The People. In previous years, the Narcissus voted for Bush 43 on the basis that he looks like a guy you’d want to get a beer with.
The Narcissus is entirely unaware of politics and is devoid of philosophy; its goal is simply to find comfort in familiarity. It is, oddly, the least actively racist in the group and also the species that causes the most harm. It differs from the Allowus in that it is perfectly well aware that the world is not fair and that racism is real; it simply does not see its own preference for white people and culture as particularly harmful. It tends to think that if everyone voted in their own best interests the country would probably work most of its problems out. It believes there should be a White History Month.
The Narcissus does not watch FOX news in the evenings. It watches the Today show and possibly the View if it is female. It is a huge fan of the Law And Order series and also has seen every episode of NCIS at least twice.
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One of the most self-aware of the Racistus family is the Nervosus. It doesn’t really mean to be a racist but also thinks you can’t be too careful about crime these days. Female Nervosus will put a hand to their purse when a man walks by, but only if he isn’t white. Possibly the best media representation of the Nervosus is that scene from Office Space where the IT guy is in his car rapping along to Scarface at top volume but turns it down and locks his door when a black man selling roses comes near.
The Nervosus thinks that nobody else notices this behavior. It typically finds work as a store security guard, as it only makes sense to monetize its fears. Common traits include belief that vaccines cause autism and a deadly fear of public toilets because everyone knows that’s how you get the AIDS. It enjoys being irradiated at TSA because safety is of paramount importance to the Nervosus.
The Nervosus has only seen a middle-class or upper-class person of color on TV and is not 100% convinced of their existence.
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A close cousin to the Nervosus, the Racistus Observus displays less fear but is just as concerned. An Observus knows precisely who belongs in their neighborhood and can recognize its neighbors’ frequent guests on sight. It keeps 911 on speed dial in case it sees a stranger and forgets the number for 911.
The Observus considers itself the guardian of its territory, though usually any normal people who live nearby actually consider the Observus to be the real threat. It is prone to start yelling from across the road should it spy a civil code violation, or to complain that someone isn’t the “right sort of people” because their children sometimes frolic loudly.
Observus usually has no friends or family that can tolerate them for longer than an hour twice a year when it’s otherwise unavoidable. It is likely to be older. Not much else is known about the species because it is impossible to converse with one.
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A particularly interesting species, the Racistus Opaqus is physically incapable of seeing skin color. It considers any discussion of obvious problems to be divisive, and wishes we could all just get along. It is impossible to trap Opaqus in a conversation about, say, household wealth disparities, because it fundamentally does not believe they exist and cannot be convinced otherwise.
Opaqus does not believe itself to be a racist because it would then have to admit that race is more than a mere sociological construct that would solve itself if we all stopped believing in it at once, like fiat currency. It also will shut down any conversation within its earshot that mentions the words “justice,” “civil rights,” or “oppression” though it seems to hate the word “struggle” most.
More study is needed, because so far we have not ascertained what, if anything, causes this visual disability.
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The Racistus Patriotus is possibly the rudest of the species. It tends to drape itself in flags and bunting and it particularly loves the haiku of nationalism. (Because it is a nationalist, it does not understand the syllabic requirements of haiku and winds up saying things like “American exceptionalism” or “shining city on a hill.”)
The Patriotus is fascinating because it reveres equally the flag of the United States and also of the Confederacy. It sees no conflict in this, because it has a rule of never thinking anything through before it speaks, and never thinking about anything it has just said. It is capable of taking great offense at some statues and not others, so for example Lady Justice must be covered up but Robert E Lee is considered to be entirely inoffensive and anyway anyone who complains about statues is just looking for something to be offended by.
The Patriotus is capable of looking the descendant of a slave full in the face and arguing that constant reminders of slavery should not offend anyone, but if you attempt to take down a statue that the Patriotus feels a connection to, it will complain at length about how you are disrespecting its ancestors.
Perhaps the most pure example that has been spotted in the wild was a truck that had Stars and Bars decals all over it along with a single word, professionally lettered across the back: “Insurection.”
Should you run into a Patriotus making an ass of itself, simply pull out your phone and record it for posterity.
The Patriotus is easily identified because it announces its presence with coal rollers and an advanced sound system that only ever has Toby Keith playing.
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The Racistus Performatus takes offense immediately if you point out that it is being kind of a racist. The Performatus is always white. You cannot avoid knowing about it because its numbers swell whenever anything racist hits the news. People of color cannot make comments about racism without picking up a few Performatuses.
The most striking trait of the Performatus is how personally wounded they are by seeing racism. They are prone to say things like “I just can’t believe how awful this is” and “how do you deal with this kind of pain” and “god, I just WISH I would meet a racist so I could sock him one.” If any people of color attempt to hold a rally or political action in which they express pain or grief at the state of the world, the Performatus will be offended that it was not the keynote.
The Performatus never talks to white people about racism. It is disinterested in making itself uncomfortable in order to lessen the deleterious impact of racism. It is focused solely on how other people being racist reflects on it, and its primary concern is to ensure that everyone knows it is not a racist. It is willing to derail therapeutic conversations in order to establish this, and if you point out how that is actually kind of racist they will immediately commence a shrill, high-pitched ugly-cry.
The Performatus is possibly the most hated of the racists due to the sheer asshattery it displays at every opportunity.
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Only found in DC, the Racistus Politicus is simultaneously the easiest and hardest to classify. Depending on how racist it is, and how aware of that fact it is, it might confine its racism to merely slashing funding to programs that disproportionately impact communities of color, or it might go on record as saying that Mexican people have “calves like cantaloupes” due to all the drug-smuggling.
You cannot always tell a politician from a subtle Politicus because nobody that isn’t a lawyer can parse any of their statements or read any of their bills. To make things more complicated, every politician has had to vote for some racist shit at some point; it’s the nature of politics. Since you can never divine the heart of another human being, it is impossible to know whether they mourned the need or whether it did not bother them.
For this reason, we recommend approaching politicians with caution generally and avoiding the obvious Politicus entirely. It is largely saying inflammatory things trying to get the votes of the Cuckus and the Hitlerus in any case.
One way to spot a Politicus is by whether it enjoys the work of the Journalisticus and the Educatus. A regular politician will, for example, never reference a Charles Murray work.
More research is needed.
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The Racistus Positivus holds no negative biases towards any race or ethnic group. However, it is pretty sure that Asian people are better at math than anyone else, and that black people have a lock on talent in sporting endeavors, and that women of Latin descent are crazy-good in bed.
The Positivus sincerely does not know it is a racist and in fact can be a friend, if you can get past the fact that it thinks things like IQ have a correlation to things like melanin. It is the most innocuous of all the racists. It is also the most likely to change its behavior and leave the species altogether if it is properly educated, though some of them are impossible to reason with.
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Fairly new to the racist family, the Progressivus has always existed but never in enough numbers to rate its own classification before. A Progressivus is very similar to a Liberalus except that it categorically refuses to ever wear an I’m With Her shirt, as it considers pragmatism to be not just weakness but a sign of active malevolence. The Progressivus is typically male, though plenty of females can be observed if you go to a dive bar next to an anarchist bookstore.
It will typically not have many friends that are not white, though it will call every person of color it meets “brother” or “sister” with absolutely zero historical awareness. It does not mean to be racist, but it is also fundamentally incapable of understanding that talking about class struggle alone is actually really racist. The bolder ones will deny this fact aloud, arguing that racism will disappear once white people have achieved a Marxist utopia, and so bringing race into the discussion is actually the racist thing. It will never occur to them to look at this statement too closely.
The Progressivus tends to be wealthy, well-educated, and is usually disliked by the people it thinks it is speaking for, who are far too busy at their two shitty jobs to have time to sit around thinking about Marx, and who by virtue of their low wages probably work with a lot of people of color anyway.
Common traits: poor grasp of any oppression outside the class structure described by revolutionary philosophers, excessive love of Baudrillard, disdain for “normies” who get “jobs”
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The Racistus Reversus does not exist.
Technically not its own species at all, the Racistus Schroedingus knows it is a racist but claims that it never was a racist until people started saying it was a racist, and then people were so mean it could not help but become a racist. Any kind of a racist can be a Schroedingus.
We include it here with its own entry because it is a behavior peculiar to the Racistus.
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One of the most difficult racists to handle, the Racistus Senilius has reached the point in life where social changes confuse it. It is prone to saying things like “I don’t know what I’m supposed to call those people these days” and “sometimes I think maybe integration was a bad idea, given all the heartache we’ve had since.”
Since nobody else in the room was alive for integration, it is difficult to combat statements like this with historical fact, as the Senilius will point out that it was THERE for that.
Nothing needs to be done about the Senilius as nobody pays particular attention to them and they rarely find themselves coming into contact with people of color. Should it run across any, the Senilius immediately becomes a Curiosus for the duration of the interaction.
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One of the more dangerous racists, the Racistus Sexistus categorically refuses to admit that women of color have it any harder than anybody else. The Sexistus is prone to ask women to do much of the work and then will take credit for it while complaining that the women are talking too much or have too many opinions.
The Sexistus has never seen a woman of color being treated badly from all sides at once, and if he is forced to look at it he will immediately start relating an anecdote about something really bad that happened to him once.
The Sexistus is always male, and can be found everywhere. There are no known visual cues to spot one, though women seem to be able to spot them more quickly than men can. This is partially out of practice, and partially because the Sexistus can’t stop saying awful things to women so will make itself known in short order should a woman of color happen to get within eyesight.
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The Racistus Tarantinus is one of the loudest of the bunch. Always white, it goes out of its way to invent reasons to use racial slurs. It will defend this usage as artistic, or historically accurate. It will accuse people who point out that it is not strictly necessary of racism, on the logic that if you’re not willing to say an epithet then you know it is a painful word, and we should grapple with that.
You cannot convince a Tarantinus that this is neither helpful nor necessary. It is best to stay away from them entirely.
Other behaviors include arguing that engaging with popular culture means rapping ALL of the words in order to honor the artists’ intent and while it is not a slur, every Tarantinus says “homie” in casual conversation.
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Racistus Wonkus is closely related to Politicus, Educatus, and Journalisticus. It is employed in research and polling, or maybe in history. Not much is known about the Wonkus because it hides from public view; you will only know it has been nearby because there will be a new study out that “proves” some racist premise that the other racists can then make infographics from.
More study is needed.
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We hope you have found the North American Field Guide To Racists to be a helpful manual. We would like to reiterate that lack of inclusion does not mean that someone is not a racist, merely that we have not yet had a chance to include that particular species in this edition. We would like to thank our readers for their submissions.
We are putting together both a print and an online edition and will let you know when it becomes available.
We would further like to remind you that if you became offended while you read this guide, you might want to check yourself over closely to see if you are showing signs of becoming a Fragilus.
With love,
The Editors